PROLOGUE
The Scene: The Woods.
Enter the Royal Inspector.
Royal Inspector:
it's an odd thing to ask a tree a question. Which type of tree hardly matters. It is equally odd to quiz a Silver Birch as it is to consult a Sycamore. It is peculiar to expect any sort of answer. Being the King's Royal Inspector there is a certain amount of strangeness that must be organised. The hedges, the burrows, the saplings, I have to make account for it all. It's a peaceful role watching the trees stretching slowly out in a living yawn that fills me full of sleep. However the natural timings of an inspector are not the timings of nature. I have my time tightly strapped and I cannot loosen it by even a second. Look at these gathering trees in this ordinary wood. What insects crawl over the hardened bark & the softer soil? What secret scenes do they lay in the shadows of their conspiring shade?
Scene 1
(Sounds of giggling, whispering and the odd soft moan or sigh are heard coming from behind a tree / bushes stage right.)
Geoffrey:
That's it you've got it stay right there... yes, yes, oh yes...
Clarissa:
Ouch!
Geoffrey:
What's the matter!
Clarissa:
I think I've got cramp!
Geoffrey:
Well move your leg.
Clarissa:
I can't you've got it trapped. If you could just shift this way, left no, no your left.
Geoffrey:
Like this.
Clarissa:
Yes that's much better.
(Amongst the obvious sounds of making out there is a ripping noise. )
Clarissa:
Damn it, not again these are one of my favourite pairs.
Geoffrey:
Sorry I find lace a bit more difficult to negotiate I don't why they make them so tight.
Clarissa:
Aren't you forgetting something?
Geoffrey:
No, what? Clarissa: A condom? Geoffrey: We're getting married tomorrow I figured it was pretty immaterial at this stage in the game.
Clarissa:
Well not quite yet, I didn't think we had planned on starting a family quite so soon, had we? Geoffrey: I think you said something vaguely along those lines but...
Clarissa:
Sshhh, someone's coming!
1st voice:
It's this way, I'm sure it is.
2nd voice:
That's what you said half an hour ago, I'm telling you we're lost.
1st voice:
Come on stop whining we're nearly there, see I recognise that tree.
Geoffrey:
I think they've gone, so we can resume our position as it were.
Clarissa:
Not bloody likely.
(Clarissa emerges from the bushes adjusting her clothing and removing bits of grass and twigs from her hair).
I can't believe you convinced me to come out here with you the day before the wedding, its bad luck you know. We could have been caught, this is an omen, and I can feel it. You didn't even give me a chance to grab my handbag I must look a right mess.
(Clarissa is still trying to fix her slightly dishevelled appearance).
(Geoffrey rolls into view and remains half lying on the ground).
Geoffrey:
Oh please don't start that superstitious stuff again, it's completely ruining the spontaneity of the moment we were having such fun, get back down here.
(He pats the ground next to him gently).
Clarissa:
Yes I can tell, you are in a frivolous mood I thought we agreed to wait a while before having children and aren't you just a little worried about tomorrow. I know things haven't tuned out quite the way we planned, but I don't want to tempt fate any more than we already have.
(She kneels beside him facing ahead).
(He sits up)
Geoffrey:
To be perfectly honest initially when I decided this morning we both needed a little... err... light relief from all the hectic planning and our respective families pretending they actually like each other, I wasn't considering anything else. I just figured we could use a little fun in the midst of this three ring circus that our wedding has become since both our families have arrived. I thought you... well we were doing a good job of organising and getting things done, but the families get here and suddenly everything has to change they've practically side-lined us and to be frank about tomorrow I just want it to be over so we can relax again, you know get things back to the way they were just the two of us having fun.
Clarissa:
Well that was quite a speech, I didn't realise you felt so strongly about all this. My mum's only trying to help you know.
Geoffrey:
I know and I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I hadn't intended on saying anything not that I would have had a chance we've barely seen each other this past week.
Clarissa:
(Quietly.)
I see and the condom - the only form of contraception we can use that I'm not allergic to kind of slipped your mind.
Geoffrey:
Well not exactly... that's a bit of a strange one.
Clarissa:
I'm all ears!
(Making herself comfortable and looking straight at him).
Geoffrey:
(Starting nervously).
Well I guess other than wanting to spend some quality time with you and my feeling rather frivolous as you put it, I have to admit that the one saving grace about having both our dysfunctional families descend on us at the same time has been watching our nieces and nephews run around. They seem so happy, carefree and oblivious to the madness going on around them; I've been quite envious really.
Clarissa:
Go on.
Geoffrey:
(Smiling wryly).
And well I've enjoyed spending time with them, listening to their little squabbles one minute and riotous laughter the next and that stunt with the water balloon was an absolute classic.
Clarissa:
(Mildly irritated).
So you found it amusing that my Gran almost had a heart attack!
Geoffrey:
(Laughing at the memory of it).
It didn't touch her! Anything for attention that one, she'll out live us all!
Clarissa:
Geoff, how could you, you know how attached she's become to that dog since my granddad died.
Geoffrey:
Well can you blame me after what she said about Luke, as if being a teenager isn't difficult enough.
Clarissa:
No-one's going to argue that point, but it was hardly appropriate to "come out" over breakfast and then proceed to elaborate on the finer details of his recent sexual conquests with half the hotel staff. Jesus, we only got here yesterday!
Geoffrey:
Okay, let's not get into that now, besides he's young and two is hardly half the staff. Anyway the point I was trying to make was that I thought what the hell why not throw caution to the wind. We tried organising the kind of wedding we wanted and that failed once the outlaws got involved, things aren't going according to any plans we actually made, maybe we should let go and see what happens for a change. I know we said we'd wait before starting a family but I don't really see the point anymore. Grief it took us long enough to plan the wedding, then all of five minutes for everyone to decide otherwise.
(Slightly raising his voice)
I mean really do we need to have a flock of doves!
(Pause)
All I'm saying is why wait.
(Slight pause)
Clarissa:
You may be right above the doves, could be overkill also it isn't sitting well with me the thought of them being cooped up for the entire ceremony I'll speak to my mum again. As for the rest of your mini rant, I feel like I'm seeing a new side to you, were you not going to discuss this with me at any point? Did you just assume I would just go along with it because I need a distraction from all of the madness our families have created?
Geoffrey:
When you put it like that it doesn't look like I really thought it through, but in fairness I didn't claim to either. I don't know what I thought, just a bit of fun and if you end up getting pregnant ahead of some schedule so what, after all we are getting married and it is for keeps isn't it?
Clarissa:
Yes of course it's for keeps I'm just a little surprised, I figured we'd have more time together just the two of us to get everything out of our system before we make the commitment to a family that's all.
Geoffrey:
So?
Clarissa:
I'm not really sure how I feel anymore to be honest.
Geoffrey:
Don't tell me you're having second thoughts.
Clarissa:
(Stroking his arm to reassure him)
No of course not, we make a great team I still want to get married.
Geoffrey:
Thank god for that! ...and about having children is that still on the cards?
Clarissa:
(Hesitantly)
Err yeah sure it's just that... Geoffrey: Just what? Clarissa: Sooner rather than later isn't quite how I thought our family would begin. It's a bit of a shock once you say it out loud, the idea of being parents in potentially less than a year's time. I don't know if I'm ready, I don't know if we're ready?
Geoffrey:
Oh I'm ready
(Pre-occupied playing with her hair)
and what are you talking about you'll make a great mum.
Clarissa:
Yeah a great mum, escaping to the woods because things got a little difficult and you start feeling frisky. You can't just drop everything and run away when you've got children you know.
Geoffrey:
I do know, and you wouldn't.
Clarissa:
(Correcting him).
We wouldn't, we've got to be in this together otherwise it won't work.
Geoffrey:
Naturally, we wouldn't. But we are not quite there yet and like you said there is still potentially the best part of a year to get our heads round the whole parent thing, that's plenty of time. Meanwhile we have now; we can live in the moment, on the fly or whatever we want until then.
Clarissa:
Mmm we'll see maybe we should start heading back, they must have sent out a search party to look for us by now.
Geoffrey:
I doubt it they're more likely to be swapping insults freely now we're not in the way and they don't have to pretend to get along.
Clarissa:
Even so, let's start making tracks we don't want to start worrying anyone unnecessarily not while we're so close to tomorrow.
(She stands up).
Geoffrey:
So much for a little light relief, I seem to have made things worse. It wasn't my intention to give you more things to think about.
(He stands up and kisses her lightly on the forehead).
Clarissa:
That's okay I'll be fine, let's go.
(They hold hands, but start to walk in opposite directions).
Geoffrey:
It's this way.
Clarissa:
Are you sure?
Geoffrey:
Yes... I'm sure kind of...
Clarissa:
Great that's all we need I thought you knew where you were going!
Geoffrey:
Yeah I thought so too but things look a little different now I am standing up, maybe we should lie down again...
Clarissa:
I don't believe you, as if that's going to help us find the way back.
Geoffrey:
Just a suggestion we're both a little preoccupied; you with superstition and the perception that all fun dies when you have children, me with not killing any family members and the excitement of impending fatherhood. It would do us both good, clear our heads.
Clarissa:
You really are serious about this aren't you?
Geoffrey:
Yes of course I am.
Clarissa:
We should at least try and find some kind of trail to lead us back.
GEOFFREY:
There's plenty of time for that, let's just...relax
(Geoffrey slowly encasing her into an embrace whilst walking backwards towards a nearby hedge).
Scene 2
Two freshers, Ellie and Ben, stumble on from stage-left, dishevelled, leaves in their hair, muddy clothes, etc. Both are angry.
Ellie:
[Angrily] Follow me, he says, I know a short-cut, he says, and what do I do? Follow him, like an idiot.
Ben:
I said I was sorry, what else do you want from me?
Ellie:
Nothing. I want nothing from you. I just want to get out of these woods and find the lecture hall.
Ben:
Fine. That's what I'm trying to do.
Ellie:
That's fine
Ben:
Good
Ellie:
Good
Awkward pause
Ellie:
Maybe we should go back the way we came
Ben:
[Sarcastically]
Really?! What a brilliant idea! Let's just follow the trail of breadcrumbs shall we? We're lost Ellie
Ellie:
Don't start
Ben:
I'm not starting
Ellie:
You are
Ben:
Okay, fine. Whatever
Ellie:
Maybe we should find a river and follow it. That's what they do in films.
Ben:
There are no rivers round here. Besides if this were a film, we'd get killed by the cannibals who live in the woods
Ellie:
What film is that?
Ben:
I don't know, just a film
Ellie:
I've never seen it
Ben:
Of course you haven't. You just watch romantic comedies
Ellie:
What's wrong with that?
Ben:
Nothing
Ellie:
[muttering]Idiot
Ben:
What?
Ellie:
Nothing, idiot
Ben:
What?
Ellie:
just smiles There is a commotion from stage-right
Ellie:
[Grabbing Ben's arm] What was that?
Ben:
[Serious] Cannibals
Ellie hides behind Ben, as they both watch stage-right A dishevelled man, Cole is dragging a (dead) body onto stage
Ben:
Let's ask him for directions
Ellie:
[whispered] What? Ben, don't
Ben walks over to the man
Ellie:
[whispered] Ben, come back Ben [To Cole] Hey, excuse me, hello?
Cole is startled and drops the body
Cole:
Holy fu-- uh, hey. Hey.
Ben:
Hi uh, we're a bit lost. Can you help us?
Cole:
[picking up the body again] Uh, not really sorry. I'm a bit busy right now
Ben:
Oh right, okay. Well look, it'll only take a minute
Cole:
[continues to drag the body to stage-left] Yeah, sorry
Ellie:
[about the body] Is he okay?
Cole:
Yeah, he's fine. It's just fresher's flu
Ellie:
Fresher's flu?
Cole:
Yeah, he's got it bad
Ellie:
Uh, he doesn't seem to be breathing
Cole:
Really?
Ellie:
Yeah
Cole:
Yeah, he does that sometimes
Ellie:
Seriously?
Cole:
Seriously
Ben:
I just saw him breathe
Cole:
[shocked] You did? [normally] I mean- you did?
Ben:
Yeah, just then
Cole:
See he's fine, just very ill
Ellie:
You have blood on your hands
Cole:
No I don't
Ellie:
Yes you do
Cole:
No I don't. Look, what do you want help with?
Ben:
Yeah uh, we're trying to find Llandinam, we're late for a lecture
Cole:
You're late? That's disgraceful
Ellie:
Disgraceful? You're the one whose dragging a dead body round
Cole:
Ok look, I think we've established that he's not dead, just unconscious
Ben:
Pay attention Ellie. So, anyway, Llandinam?
Cole:
Yeah, just keeping walking that way [Points to stage-right] and you'll come out near Llandinam, there should be a sign
Ben:
Ok. Great, thanks. Come on Ellie.
Ellie:
Wait, what? But--
Ben:
Ellie, we're late
Ellie:
Oh god, yeah. Okay
Ellie and Ben leave off stage-right Ben Good luck with your friend Cole Thanks Cole leaves, dragging the body off stage-left
BRIDGE 1
ROYAL INSPECTOR:
yes, the flowers shall grow well from a corpse! A broken tree fallen from it's own weight can no clearer be a sign of life. Beetles chew on the rotten wood, eaten by birds & digested by foxes. Nothing will stop the randy feeding of life's stem. Not even murder...
Scene 3
Enter ROSE. ROSE is dressed in red and is walking around, looking terrified as she runs around the stage. She is busy looking left and right, trying to peer into the darkness, attempting to see something.)
Rose:
where... how... I wish I knew who I was... and where I was... Hello!...Anyone there! Please!... I'm sure I past this place... there's that brook, and... Oh Merde I'm lost!
Shaman:
dear, You're not lost, you just misdirected by my magic.
(Enter Shaman. Dressed in a jacket, a colourful t-shirt and trousers, he looks young, confident in his environment, calm and serene. However, he has a cane, and he's leaning on it very heavily, and walks with an almost constant limp. he has a cajun accent.)
SHAMAN:
It's the nature of this place. Now please, what's you're business here.
Rose:
who are...
Shaman:
mon'sherri, I am the shaman, the world healer and the dream weaver. I can see the end of all things and the beginnings of others. I am the bridge between the world of the living, and the world of the weird. I've lived in different times and different places, walked all paths, and always I am the powerful outcast, the wise man at the end of the road.
(after this grandiose display of his prowess, he settles back down with a chuckle.)
Shaman:
not really, I'm just a guy who talks to trees and nature, nothing nearly as spectacular. Pray, tell me a little about yourself.
Rose:
I... My name is Rose, I... well, I live in Calais, and... I was on a trip with my boyfriend here and...
Shaman:
you got separated? Don't be afraid, dear, It happens to us all. listen, Tag along with me, then, till we find you're missing lover. I'm sorting out something in these woods. Apparently, a bunch a kids have been causing trouble around the place, and the wood spirit has been getting all twitchy.
Rose:
what, woods... you're telling me that they are...
Shaman:
Alive as you or I, dear, but I'm got a get a request from her to do anything. I can only request and I can only be asked of... bizarre, isn't it.
Rose:
well, yes, I... Look, sorry, how can woods...
Shaman:
It's more about the fact that the Dryad of this place is more of the voice of the woods... you know, like how a collective body of people have nominated a speaker.
Rose:
Oh... I see...well, tell me about you... you say you've lived multiple times
Shaman:
yeah, I've lived as many people. A Russian cleric, a German alchemist, an African medicine man, an English gentleman, all sorts of people. It's really cool some of the stuff I've done in past lives, but most of the time, I just end up getting killed again and again. It gets old after a while... oh times up.
(Dryad enters. The tree spirit is dressed like Victorian high society cloths (linked into what time the forest was planted) and definitely should have something green and something brown to wear (hey, it could even be skin, giving her this otherworldly feel to her.) Dryad needs to be strong and strident, full of importance, very different from the meek Rose and the shady Shaman. Also, no shoes.)
Dryad:
I thought I might find you here! Where have you been! Those reprobates have been gallivanting all over my woods! Probably throwing the whole... oh dear lord, not another one!
Shaman:
Cool it, girl, She's not the ones you're after.
Dryad:
just when I get my house in order, and get a little time to relax and reflect, then suddenly the whole forest is demanding that I get a shaman here to get some intruders out. Then I find you here with one of them!
Rose:
no, I'm lost, I...
Shaman:
Please rose, let me handle this. (he turns to Dryad) the girls lost in here. Whoever these intruders are, she isn't one of them... ok, she is one of them, but she's not doing any harm. She's just... looking for someone.
Dryad:
well, whoever she is, she'll have to come with us, I don't want her hanging around here! Oh for goodness sake, get up, get up! (she blusters them away from the place they were sitting) look, you're sitting on the bluebells.
Rose:
How can you...?
Dryad:
This is my woods, girl, I know when it's upset. It's a little hard to ignore when you are connected psychically to the forest, and not just... well... (she slows, and begins to focus more intimately on the flowers)
Shaman:
Dryad gets feedback from the forest. Everything is connected to her, she feels every bit of pain and anguish and love and joy it has. She is essentially mother to these woods. Rose: Oh... I... I'm sorry.
Dryad:
I don't mean to be an impatient person... I just forget sometimes that not everyone is hotwired to blades of grass complaining and screaming about being stepped on. Just... try to be careful, next time. Shaman: fine... where is this problem of yours?
Dryad:
is near the heart of the woods, not to far from here. Come, follow! The Trees are thicker there, so if they are lost in my woods... Look lets just get to them. (she exits.)
Rose:
... do you think...
Shaman:
I was thinking the same thing. You're boyfriend isn't... clumsy, is he?
Rose:
... not really... why? (the shaman nods and exits.) Why?... why do you need to know that?! (rose exits) Oh what's going on here?!
BRIDGE 2
ROYAL INSPECTOR:
the age of a tree may be read in circles by the rippling years. Shapes can be the marker for growth even in the most shapeless of landscapes. You may not see it but there are pattens in the woods. What looks like the fluttering of leaves by a formless wind may be the rattling of triangles by the traffic of a thousand fixed points of probability. From simple shapes we land in place where large numbers layer on large numbers in a covering of autumnal figures lost in the drifting factual immensity. Some simply cannot see the woods for the trees.
Scene 4
A man, Boss, enters upstage. He is reading a book. The book's cover is missing. He stops just short of centre stage as he crosses the space.
Boss:
Fascinating.
Another man, Worker, enters upstage. He is carrying two very large, full, and heavy bags. He drops them down behind the first man and goes.
Boss:
Listen to this: 'A picture... paints a thousand words' Fascinating. Turns the page. 'Too many cooks... spoil the broth'
The other man re-enters. This time a fold-up table and two chairs weigh him down. He places them by the bags.
Worker:
I'm sorry?
Boss turns to him.
Boss:
'Too many cooks... spoil the broth'
Worker:
Right.
He removes a notebook from his pocket and takes a note. The first man moves closer to a downstage corner and stops again.
Boss:
(As the second picks up the bags and takes them to the first.) Hears one for you 'A picture... paints a thousand words'. Absolutely fascinating.
Second man takes note. Then goes to fetch the tables. First man looks up at his surroundings. He looks at his surroundings closely. He slams the book shut. We're here! Second man stops and looks back at him.
Worker:
Where?
Boss:
Here.
Worker:
(unconvinced) Here.
Boss:
Exactly.
He moves back the centre. Second man, watches him, then fetches the bags back to centre stage. They look at each other. First is smiling contently. Second waits for him to speak.
Boss:
Well set it up.
Worker:
Right.
Boss:
Trees.
Worker:
Knees.
Boss:
Knight.
Worker:
Tight.
Boss:
Light.
Worker:
Long
Boss:
Loan.
Worker:Groan
A man stumbles onto stage. He is littered with leaves and twigs. He recovers himself. He sees the others.
Michael:
Oh, thank God!
He brushes himself down, tidies himself up, then turns away and straightens his hair and tie. He turns back and makes his way towards them, hand outstretched. Hello.
Boss:
Hello? Halo!
Worker:
Bingo.
Boss:
Bagel
Worker:
Angel
Boss:
Angel. Angle
Michael:
Hello?
Boss:
We've had that.
Worker:
Triangle.
Boss:
Good one!
Michael:
(suddenly) Excuse me!
They stop. He recovers himself I'm here for the interview.
Boss:
The interview.
Michael:
Are you the interviewer?
Boss:
I'm an interviewer, whether I'm the interviewer I couldn't say. How many interviewers are there exactly?
Worker:
(Flicks through pages) I don't know.
Michael:
It's just I've been wandering around these woods for quite some time now.
Boss:
(thinking aloud) Interview?
Worker:
It would explain the table and chairs.
Boss:
That is true, we don't always have them with us and we don't always do interviews. Your logic is sound. It that case I must be the interviewer.
Michael:
Must be?
Boss:
I trust this man with my life, if he says I'm an interviewer then I'm an interviewer.
Michael:
He didn't say...
Boss:
Set up the table!
Worker:
Yes sir.
He sets up the table and chairs centre stage. Then stands some way beck behind first's chair. The first sits. Michael awaits for instructions.
Boss:
(Knowing not what else to say) Next!
Michael sits. First simply looks his way and nods.
Michael:
Um... Here's my CV.
Boss:
Excuse me?
Michael:
My CV.
Boss:
Right! Superb. He looks the paper up and down Superb Michael. Fantastic! Fantastic name. Just like Michael here.
Worker:
My name isn't Michael.
Boss:
Is it not?
Worker:
I didn't think so. I'm not sure. We never say them.
Boss:
Do we not? Flicks through pages. No
Michael:
(To Worker) You don't know you're name?
Both:
No
Worker:
Never really needed them.
Michael:
I'm sorry, never needed your names?
Worker:
Well when it's just the two of you there can be little confusion as to whom you are addressing.
Michael:
I see...
Boss:
Mine will be written down somewhere I'm sure. Looks to CV again. Well this is cracking stuff, Michael, cracking stuff.
Michael:
Thank you Boss: Fascinating.
Michael:
Did you want to ask me anything?
Boss:
Not that I can think of.
Michael:
With regards to the job.
Boss:
Oh, right. Of course, of course.
Pause
Worker:
How do you need this job?
Michael:
How?
Boss:
Yes, in what way? What are the circumstances that brought about you requiring employment.
Michael:
Well, to be quite honest the same as anybody I'm sure. I need to pay bills, living expenses... I've been in and out of rubbish jobs for years now, I'm a really hard worker, had experience all over the place, and I won't let you down. Can I just ask, not that it matters, but what is the pay like?
Boss:
The pay?
Michael:
(nodding) pay
Boss:
(to servant) Pay.
Worker:
Pale.
Boss:
Fail.
Both look to Michael.
Boss:
Fail..
Michael:
I don't understand.
Boss:
Fail, Michael, Fail.
Nothing.
Michael:
Prevail?
Boss:
Excellent, Michael, Excellent.
Worker:
Preview
Boss:
Elbow
They look to Michael
Michael:
I don't think there was a connection there.
Boss:
No? (looks to Worker)
Worker:
(looks to Boss) No?
Boss:
(looks to Michael) No?
Michael:
No. There is no connection between 'preview' and 'elbow' is there?
Boss:
How are they not connected?
Michael:
What?
Boss:
In what way are they not connected?
Michael:
Well... because... what?
Boss:
Without any evidence to back up your theories I'm afraid your objection can only be dismissed.
Michael:
But, I don't see how 'preview' corresponds with 'elbow'.
Boss:
No? I thought it was quite obvious. They both end with a 'W'.
Michael:
But that's not how the game works. The meanings of the words need to link up in some way, surely?
Boss:
We are playing word association, not meaning association.
Michael:
But words are meanings aren't they?
Boss:
(to Worker) I have a doctorate, don't I?
Michael:
Uh, no. you have a doctor.
Boss:
Oh, that's right, Dr... Michael: Dimble
Boss:
Dr. Dimble, yes, good man good man.
Michael:
Woman.
Boss:
Woman. Silence Well I think this has been most profitable for us all. Congratulations, Michael.
Michael:
Oh, thank you. So I've got the job?
Boss:
It is not a job, Michael, a job is something for which you would be paid.
Michael:
But you said I would be paid.
Boss:
I did not. I think you assumed that you would be. I never said anything of the sort.
Michael:
Did he say that?
Worker:
No
Boss:
No. So do you want the job
Michael:
You said it wasn't a job.
Boss:
Yes, and now I'm contradicting myself.
Michael:
So I will be paid?
Boss:
I never said that. Any other questions?
Michael:
Yes-
Boss:
-Well you'll have to ask him. He's got it all written down. He writes everything down so I don't have to remember.
Michael:
Ok, (to Worker) what's the job?
Boss:
Job! We have discussed this Michael, this is no job. I should know. It's written down.
(gestures to Worker) Servant, flicks back a page in his notebook and reads out their conversation.
Worker:
"Oh, thank you. So I've got the job? - It is not a job, Michael, a job is something for which you would be paid. - But you said I would be paid. - I did not. I think you assumed that you would be. I never said anything of the sort. - Did he say that? - No - No. So do you want the job - You said it wasn't a job. - Yes, and now I'm contradicting myself. - So I will be paid? - I never said that. - Any questions?"
Michael:
Sorry, what would my duties include?
Worker:
It's quite simple, to aid and assist this man in all his needs and requests.
Michael:
Fine. What are the hours?
Boss:
That's irrelevant
Michael:
What? How?
Boss:
One question at a time.
Michael:
How are the hours irrelevant?
Boss:
The duties of the job are the duties of the job, and you will carry out the duties of the job regardless of the hours.
Michael:
(to Worker) Smoking Breaks?
Worker:
You're a smoker?
Michael:
No, but if I did I could take pretty regular breaks right?
Worker:
You'd take up smoking so that you wouldn't have to work so much?
Michael:
Depends if I need the breaks. The Worker starts to bring the bags to where Michael stands
Worker:
Just remember, you won't be doing this forever. I decided a while ago its best not to ask questions. But you'll soon learn as you go. He hands over the notepad You're first book. He sighs gladly. Well, so long. Good luck to you Michael. (to Boss) Good bye you old idiot.
He turns happily, and makes his exit.
Boss:
Do you have a great mind?
Michael:
Me?
Boss:
I don't see anyone else
Michael:
Well...
Boss:
'Well we're about to find out! After all: 'Great Minds... Think Alike' (Slams his book shut) And that's a fact! Makes a rapid exits as he reopens his book and begins to read again. Michael is left on stage a little shaken. He grabs the bags up in a hurry and makes a hasty exit after Boss.
Scene 5
Girl wanders on distractedly. She is around the age of 20. Wearing a white night dress, as if she has just woken up. She walks on with a mixture of reactions, sometimes looking around herself in wonder, sometimes staring at the floor, sometimes frowning as though she is thinking very hard. walks to centre of the stage. When she begins to talk it is not to the audience but to herself. This could be shown by the way she stands, not fully straight on towards the audience, but facing slightly to the side, or not looking at them.
Paige:
I shouldn't be here. This isn't where I'm supposed to be.
Wanders around again.
PAIGE:
But where am I? And where am I supposed to be?
Beat.
PAIGE:
wait!
Runs to pick up a child's blanket from the floor.
PAIGE:
this looks familiar,
Sees an empty photo frame on the floor and picks that up.
PAIGE:
And this! I've been here before,
Notices a black leather belt.
PAIGE:
But I've never seen this.
Pause
PAIGE:
Ok...ok...think Paige, last time you were here what happened?
Pause and shakes head.
PAIGE:
It was years ago, I can't remember that, I can't even remember what happened five minutes ago!
Pause.
PAIGE:
But that's irrelevant now. Think.
Long pause and she paces as she thinks.
PAIGE:
I remember it being cold, much colder than this. And the floor was icy. Really icy, I could barely walk without falling over.
Pause.
PAIGE:
Oh this is too hard!
Sits down.
Long pause.
Picks up her hand and holds it to her head, then brings the hand down and holds it in front of herself, staring at the palm.
PAIGE:
I was bleeding. A lot. It was dark and painful and Mum should have been screaming but she wasn't. I couldn't hear anything.
Pause and she stands up.
PAIGE:
I don't understand why I'm back here again. It's been such a long time. I never liked it then, and I like it even less now.
Getting angry.
PAIGE:
I don't even remember the way back or where I'm supposed to be!
A girl enters, around the same age as Paige, wearing normal clothes, nothing too heavy, we want to convey that this is not winter. Prehaps a light jacket. And a bag.
Friend:
What are you doing here? You were supposed to meet me 20 minutes ago. I'm outside the cinema right now and I'm not happy.
PAIGE:
I knew it, I knew I was supposed to be somewhere that wasn't here!
FRIEND:
So you forgot you were supposed to meet me? Honestly Paige, I put up with so much from you. Your heads in the clouds most of the time, it's like you don't even care about your friends anymore since...well, for months now!
PAIGE:
I do care, I really do. It's just hard for me. Everything feels numb all the time. I can't remember her face anymore? Even when I see her, she's just a blur. I can't cry, I can't even feel sad. I can't laugh at dumb things with you anymore, I just feel, like an empty space.
FRIEND:
I think that's normal in your situation.
PAIGE:
Is it? It's been over a year now. And she's still tormenting me. I mean, why am I even back here?
FRIEND:
I don't know. I just hope it isn't because you've done anything stupid Paige.
PAIGE:
what do you mean?
FRIEND:
you know what I mean.
Paige's confusion turns to realisation and horror.
PAIGE:
I wouldn't? I haven't.
FRIEND:
I hope not. Look, I've got to go, I'm waiting for you at the cinema remember? Just don't be much longer.
Turns and leaves.
Paige sits down again her head in her hands.
PAIGE:
No it's ridiculous, I won't believe that. There's some other explanation. I just need to try and find a way out.
Starts looking among the trees as if there will be some sort of way out. Whilst she has her back turned, a woman enters. The woman is middle aged, wearing a long, black floaty dress. She has an an atmosphere of superiotrity about her. Paige turns round and sees her. She stops in horror. But it soon turns to relief as if she expected this.
PAIGE:
Will you please tell me how I get out of here?
mother:
I don't think there's any magic formula for escape my sweetheart.
PAIGE:
I did it before.
MOTHER:
Well that wasn't down to you was it?
PAIGE:
You don't know that.
MOTHER:
Paige, Paige, Paige, when are you going to understand that I DO know that. I know everything about you, everything you think. I know what makes your skin crawl and what makes it tingle. I know what you think about at night when you're alone. I know about THAT night with THAT boy.
Pause.
MOTHER:
Shall we try and forget that one my dear?
Paige looks at the floor and nods.
MOTHER:
I know that you feel you are better than everyone because your poor Mum died in a car crash, whilst you were sat in the passenger seat and survived. You think that people should walk on eggshells around you and never ever hurt your weak little feelings. For example, you expect people to instinctively give up their seat on the bus because they can simply feel the grief seeping out of you. You think you deserve the world to give you something back because it's taken something away. Well guess what, it doesn't get special treatment. You get what's coming to you. You can lie and lie about what happened, no one will suspect a thing, they weren't there, they won't know, but you pay the price eventually.
Paige has crumbled to the floor as Mother delivers this speech.
MOTHER:
Suck it up. Play the cards you're dealt Paige. I did, didn't I?
PAIGE:
And you've never stopped complaining!
MOTHER:
I had a lot to complain about, and I didn't want you to forget. You forget so easily.
PAIGE:
Fine?
Paige stands up.
PAIGE:
You want to hear me say it out loud? So you know I haven't forgot? All the times you've heard me say it over and over and over in my head aren't good enough for you?
Pause. She walks away from her mother and turns her back to her. Her mother blows her a kiss and she walks off.
PAIGE:
(Shouts)
It's my fault you died!
Turns around and she is gone.
The stage goes black.
BRIDGE 3
royal inspector:
if you in a questionable mood ask the trees "who is the King?" you must prepare to drag the arteries out of dry stones. Indeed what royalty is there in my wandering work? The only reams of gold I see are the aging leaves, the only blue the unclouded roof, the only red the bleeding lamb. I serve but what of service is it to admire & take stock of sticks? Highly puzzling is this uncastled King. Surely my career is a garden of envy.
Scene 6
On the floor is sprawled a young man (Zack, early twenties and dressed accordingly) who appears to have been unconscious for quite a long time. He props himself up before gazing groggily around him.
Zack:
Urghhhh....
He attempts to sit up, but he falls back down, clutching his head in a reaction to a particularly dreadful migraine.
Zack:
URGGGGGH!
He fumbles in his pocket for a cigarette lighter. Fishing out a cigarette packet, he quickly goes through it only to find it, much to his frustration, entirely empty. To make sure, he upturns the packet desperately.
Zack:
URRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! He stands up with a wince, still looking around.
Zack:
Hello? HELLO? Pause.
Suddenly a voice sounds off-stage in reply. It belongs to our second character: Lewis.
Lewis:
(still off-stage) Zack?
Zack:
Lewis?!
Lewis:
Yes my son?
Zack:
I....I can't see you. Where are you?
Lewis:
I'm not sure. Some kind of forest I think. What about you?
Zack:
Yeah, me too Lewis.... I mean, where abouts are you?
Lewis:
I'm not sure!
Pause.
Lewis:
....I'm near some trees.
Zack:
Brilliant...
Lewis:
There's a cluster of them!
Zack:
(crosses arms) Really Lewis?
Lewis:
Yes!
Zack:
Look...just...follow the sound of my voice alright?
Lewis:
Okay.
Zack:
Okay. Okay, just move towards me. Pause
Lewis:
You've stopped.
Zack:
What?
Lewis:
You've stopped talking. Keep the words coming baby!
Zack:
Uh....(clearly thinking wildly)...Cabbage is a good source of riboflavin! Pirates of the Caribbean 2 has nowhere as good as the first one! "Cats" is actually a pretty good musical.
Lewis stumbles on stage (stage-left) looking clearly frazzled. Also in his mid twenties, he looking noticeably more ruffled than Zack, with a naked torso and dirty jeans.
Lewis:
I quite like "Cats" actually....
Zack:
Jesus Lewis! What the heck happened to you?
Lewis:
Dunno, last thing I can remember last night is marching into Pizza Hut and demanding to a guy cleaning the floors that they perform a wedding ceremony then and there.
Zack:
A wedding ceremony?! Who the heck did you want to marry?
Lewis:
Their extra large pepperoni with pineapple and mushrooms.
Zack:
Well, that's just great. And would you happen to have any recollection of how we ended up out here by any chance?
Lewis:
I remember.... Zack stares at him anxiously. A few tense seconds pass.
Lewis:
...Zack, did I ever have a dog?
Zack:
Yes Lewis, you had one when you were nine. I used to help you walk it.
Lewis:
Oh yeah...(pause)...I liked that dog!
Zack:
Brilliant! Just brilliant. Do you have your mobile on you?
Lewis:
Yep! Lewis eagerly withdraws his phone from his pocket. As he examines it though, his face falls.
Lewis:
Uh-oh... Zack: (turns around quickly) What?
Lewis:
It's out of power...
Zack:
That's it. This is the last time I ever listen to you. Ever.
Lewis:
They were good mushrooms weren't they?
Zack:
Not as good as the ones you wanted to marry on top of a pizza apparently.
Lewis:
I think a unicorn was involved too. I think I asked it to conduct the ceremony.
Zack:
(obviously annoyed) Oh really?
Lewis:
Yeah...it didn't have a horn though. You know, like one of those ones that unicorns have on their heads.
Zack:
So it was basically a horse then... What were we up to last night? Zack looks away, obviously distracted, while Lewis looks wildly around at the forest scene around them. Whilst doing so, for the first time the audience can see that the word "Pony Land is awesome" scrawled across his back in felt tip pen.
Lewis:
Maybe there's someone else here?
Zack:
I doubt it... (moves stage left) ...HELLO? HELLO?! ANYBODY OUT THERE? (Pause) Looks like we're on our own.
Lewis:
Try again.
Zack:
Dude, there's no-one there!
Lewis:
I'm just saying...
Zack:
(sighs and moves back stage left irritably) HELLO? HELLO?! IS ANYBODY OUT THERE?! (moves back towards Lewis) See?
Suddenly a new voice sounds far away from off stage left. It belongs to our third and final character, Claude. From his first line we can already tell he is ridiculously French accented.
Claude:
ALLO?!
Zack and Lewis stare at each other in complete and utter confusion.
Zack:
...hello?!
Claude appears. Also in his twenties, he too looks exactly how you would expect someone to look the morning after an extremely rough night. Regardless he seems delighted to have found our duo.
Claude:
Ah mes amis, merci dieu je vous ai trouvé! Claude embraces Zack before giving him two quick kisses on both of his cheeks. Zack looks too confused to even react. Claude moves towards Lewis with open arms. Lewis however, jumps back.
Lewis:
WHOA!
Claude:
Mes mamelons xplode avec le plaisir!
Lewis:
Who's the heck is this guy?
Zack:
You don't know him?
Lewis:
No! Do you?!
Zack:
No! Um...hi! Listen, uh...you wouldnt happen to have been hanging around with us last night by any chance would you?
Claude:
Oui!
Lewis:
Can you tell us what happened? How we got here exactly?
Claude:
Personnellement, j'ai trouvé Royale de Casino pour être un film de Lien excellent, c'était intelligent, et vraiment excitant en fait, et cela est en fait un bonus massif qui voit comme j'ai mis vraiment apprécie les films d'action tous cela beaucoup! Pause
Zack:
Did you understand a word of that?
Lewis:
I think "vraiment" means restaurant...
Zack:
Wonderful!
Claude:
Nous sommes vissés!
Lewis:
Look, don't panic alright?
Zack:
Do you have a mobile? Claude looks blank.
Zack:
A mobile? Uh...(makes phone gesture) ...a mobile phone? Something we can call for help on? Ring Ring?
Claude grins and makes a phone gesture with his fingers in return. He pretends to answer his imaginary phone in jest.
Claude:
Allo? Allo? Lewis laughs, but is immediately silence by a threatening look from Zack.
Lewis:
Oh come on man, someone will find us.
Zack:
Find us? We live in London, Lewis. The nearest plant-life where we lived was miles away and that was the cactus Jenny kept in her bathroom. How can anyone find us when we don't know where we are!
Claude mimics the "blabbing" gesture with his hand behind Zack's back. Lewis chuckles.
Zack:
(glowering at both of them) Meanwhile, I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere with you...and a French version of you.
Lewis:
Could be worse.
Zack:
How could it be worse?
Lewis:
We could be like, stuck on an island filled with dinosaurs.
Pause
Zack:
You're trying to reassure me by telling me that we could have potentially ended up in the screenplay for Jurassic Park?
Lewis:
Well, I mean, we could be getting eaten by a T-Rex right now couldn't we? Well, you would probably, because I doubt you'd be as fast as me. Or this guy as a matter of fact, he seems quite athletic. I mean, that's something to hold onto right?
Pause
Zack:
...thanks' Lewis.
Lewis:
(pats Zack on shoulder) No problem man. Claude, who has been walking around both Zack and Lewis nonchalantly, suddenly notices the writing on Lewis's back with wide eyes.
Claude:
(pointing) Là quelque chose sur votre dos!
Lewis:
Huh?
Zack:
Maybe they don't use gym's in France...you have been getting pretty lean recently.
Lewis:
(Turns to Claude) I use weights. Weights. Go with the low calorie diet, concentrate on the carbs.
Claude:
Sur votre Dos ! Telemore!
Lewis:
Treadmills? Sometimes! But I'm mostly about the weights you see! Throwing his hands up in the air, Claude evidently gives up. Deep in thought, Zack sits on a log in the middle of the stage and heaves a sigh. A second later, Lewis joins him and heaves a sigh of his own. Claude, who visibly appears to just want to be included, sits next to the both of them and tries to mimic the sound, but it ends up sounding more comical than sincere.
Zack:
So...let's retrace our steps. We were in your Mum's house...and you suggested taking Mushrooms...stupidly, I went along with it.
Lewis:
We got out some beer, and started taking the mushrooms...and then...
Long pause
Claude:
(looking interested) Et alors?
Lewis:
...and then hours later I wanted to marry a pizza and got convinced by a horse than my mobile phone was a shark trying to kill.
Zack:
Tell me that's not why it ran out of power...
Lewis:
(examining phone) Come to think of it, it does have a lot of dents...
Zack:
You beat up your mobile...
Lewis:
Better safe than sorry.
Zack:
Are you still on the mushrooms?
Lewis:
No, I'm just saying... Suddenly Claude stands up from the log and points to something off-stage, looking extremely excited.
Claude:
Une belette ! Une belette !
Zack:
Oh what now? With continuing exciting yelps of "Une Bellete!", Claude charges offstage.
Zack:
What the...
Lewis:
(stands up) Come on! We better go after him...
Zack:
Why? Leave him, he's probably...
Lewis:
Dude, he's probably our only chance of getting out of here. Now come on!
Zack:
Alright! Alright! Lewis, followed by a reluctant Zack, charge offstage in pursuit of Claude.
Zack:
(from off-stage) Worst. Mushroom Trip. Ever!
Scene 7
HITLER wakes up naked in an empty bath-tub.
HITLER:
Oh nein. (gurgles with tedium)
HITLER wants to stand up, but notices the audience and covers himself automatically. Suprisingly he is a bit embarrased.
HITLER:
Scheise! Zu kalt, zu warm - zu kalt, zu warm... Argh - fuck the afterlife!
WILDMAN enters the Woods. WILDMAN is not wild at all. He is shy and chickenhearted, eventhough he looks big and hairy (on the picture is Estonian poet Jaan Pehk who is oddly similar to WILDMAN).
WILDMAN moves really quietly but quickly. He jumps on every strange sound. It does not matter where he is - he would always rather be somewhere else. Right now it seems as if he is looking for something. HITLER feels WILDMAN lurking behind him.
HITLER:
Wer bist du und was du möchtest? (looking straight ahead to the audience)
WILDMAN hadn't noticed HITLER so he gets really frightened, screams and jumps on his belly.
HITLER (really sick and tired):
What the fuck do you want?
WILDMAN stands up, goes to HITLER and gives him his hand.
WILDMAN:
Hello! Wildman.
HITLER (gives his hand finally and replies):
No, Hitler.
WILDMAN:
No-no. I am Wildman.
HITLER:
Not very wild as I see.
WILDMAN:
No, Wildman.
HITLER:
Ja-ja. Guten tag, very wild man.
WILDMAN:
Not very.
HITLER:
Yes, I can see.
WILDMAN:
No, not very at all.
HITLER:
Yes, I can see.
WILDMAN:
No, I mean there is no very.
HITLER:
Yes.
WILDMAN:
Yes?
HITLER:
Yes. Wild man.
WILDMAN:
No. Like Wildma-n. All together.
HITLER:
I don't give a shit. (takes his hand away)
WILDMAN now notices that HITLER is naked and gets discussed with his own hand because it has been holding a naked man's hand for this whole time.
WILDMAN:
May I ask who might you be?
HITLER:
Hitler.
WILDMAN:
Hitler who?
HITLER:
Hitler Hitler. What do you mean who?
WILDMAN:
I mean like how old are you, where do you come from and how have your parents raised you? Are you a nice person? HITLER: Bist du ein Arschloch oder just a doofy-ass fuck? WILDMAN: You can't answer a question with a question. If that was a question.
HITLER:
I just did.
WILDMAN:
Oh. In that case I would go with the first one.
HITLER:
First what?
WILDMAN:
The first part of the sentence.
HITLER:
Ah! Dass du bist ein Arschloch. Ja?
WILDMAN:
Ja-ja. That one. You talk so sexy, you must have loads of women.
HITLER:
Women? Yes, there are a lot of hot, steaming hot women where I come from.
WILDMAN:
Yes, I would think so. Do you think you could teach me?
HITLER:
What?
WILDMAN:
The sexy arschloch thingy?
HITLER:
The what?!
WILDMAN:
Oh, don't get angry. You don't have to. I just thought... I just... I don't get a lot of steamingly hot women. I would like some. HITLER: Oh, you would, would you? You would like to trade places with me?
WILDMAN:
Yes.
HITLER:
Well, take off your clothes.
WILDMAN:
Is that how I would have to say it. "Well, take off your clothes."
HITLER:
No, I mean, really - take your clothes off.
WILDMAN:
My clothes?
HITLER:
Yes. Don't worry it's not an arschloch thing! Just take them off.
WILDMAN (starts taking his clothes off):
Are you sure? Um... Is this how? I mean... Um... HITLER (gets more and more excited): Yes. Yes. Yes. (starts putting his clohtes on) No-no, you can leave those on. Just get in here! Ja-ja. Sehr gut. Sehr gut.
HITLER jumps out of the bath-tub and runs around, wearing clothes just a couple (or 20) numbers bigger than his. He gets off the stage. WILDMAN starts feeling embarrased, when he notices the audience, and while already being there, he now sits in the bath-tub. In a little while later HITLER comes back, disappointed.
HITLER:
What should I do now?
WILDMAN:
What do you mean?
HITLER:
What did you do before you met me?
WILDMAN:
Looking for my car keys.
HITLER:
Oh. And where?
WILDMAN:
Here around somewhere.
HITLER starts looking.
WILDMAN:
When do the women come? HITLER: Oh, um... Just wait a little.
WILDMAN:
Thank you. You are a nice person.
HITLER:
A what?
WILDMAN:
Nice. A good person. Thank you. Do you see the keys anywhere? Because it's actually my sister's car and I...
HITLER:
Found them! (runs off)
WILDMAN starts to get anxious of waiting. HITLER returns.
HITLER:
Wait?! What did you say? It is your sister's car?
WILDMAN:
Yes. Where are the women?
HITLER:
Why is it your sister's car? War ist deine?
WILDMAN:
What?
HITLER:
Where is yours!?
WILDMAN:
I don't have one.
HITLER:
What are you?
WILDMAN (feels very uncomfortable):
Well, everyone doesn't have to own a car. It's just... Well, I would like to... But...
HITLER:
What do you do?
WILDMAN:
Well, I don't know. I guess I could...
HITLER:
I mean, what do you do for a living?
WILDMAN (positively):
Oh. I am a poet.
HITLER:
So you're a poet?
(all the strength disappears out of his body and he falls to the ground)
WILDMAN:
Yes. Is that bad?
HITLER:
Oh no... I already...
WILDMAN:
What!? What!?
HITLER:
So they're just working with the interior dec... deco... what's the word?
WILDMAN:
Deco?
HITLER:
Yes, interior deco... Deco?
WILDMAN:
Decoration?
HITLER:
Ja. Interior decoration. That's it.
WILDMAN:
In the woods.
HITLER:
Especially in the woods. Do you here this?
WILDMAN:
The what?
HITLER:
The quietness.
WILDMAN:
Yes. It's nice.
HITLER:
Exactly! When before has it been quiet in the woods?
WILDMAN:
What are you trying to say? I was just here passing by. I don't want to be involved with anything kinky.
HITLER:
Kinky?
WILDMAN:
Yes. Can I have my keys now?
HITLER:
Fucking arschloch.
WILDMAN:
Thank you very much. I am leaving now.
HITLER:
Where do you think you are going?
WILDMAN:
To my car. Where I was going.
HITLER:
There is no car.
WILDMAN:
What do you mean there is not? You didn't see it? I knew I forgot to lock the doors. My sister's gonna kill me.
HITLER:
I didn't go and look for it.
WILDMAN:
So it is there. You just didn't see it. I am leaving now.
HITLER:
Where do you think you are?
WILDMAN:
I am at the park. Going to my car now. Leaving. I am leaving.
HITLER:
This is not a park.
WILDMAN:
Why can it not be a park?! There are trees. And sky. And grass. And people. Puppies. Well, no puppies. But trees and everything.
HITLER:
Fucking arschloch.
WILDMAN:
It was very nice to meet you, Mister Homeless Guy Hitler. But I will be leaving now. You can keep the clothes. Well, actually I would like to get them back. Could you... ?
HITLER:
Could I what?!
WILDMAN:
Nevermind. Bye. (runs off)
HITLER starts to look things around him.
HITLER (doubting):
Hier sind Bäume und Gras... Hm, scheise. Kannst das sein...?
WILDMAN returns.
HITLER:
... aber nein.
WILDMAN:
My sister's car is gone. She is gonna kill me! Oh no...
HITLER:
Do you feel it getting a little warmer?
WILDMAN:
I don't know... Maybe. (remembers the car) Oh God! She will definately kill me!
HITLER:
Well, I do doubt it's possible anymore... Wilkommen aus der Kreis neun.
WILDMAN:
Huh?
HITLER:
Welcome to circle nine, poet.
BRIDGE 4
ROYAL INSPECTOR:
You never know where you may be with some weeds. The introduction of foreign plants may often be given a welcoming of diplomatic trickiness. They can be rooted quitely over a vast covering of ground, without interest or notice, before rising & declairing their surge for growth. They may be seen plucked & picked in thoroughness or remain avoided in a cornered acceptance. Some weeds are protected with good argument but others may choke the flowers of sun with their canopy of trauma.
Scene 8
Tableu of Little Girl and Little Boy. Enter Sophie and Oscar.
Sophie:
I can't believe you've got us lost in here..... again
Oscar:
I know sweetie, and I'm sorry. Forgive me?
(Gives her a hug)
Sophie:
Fine. I let you get away with too much.
(She hears children's laughter, looks spooked)
Sophie:
Let's just hurry up
Oscar:
But we are here..... alone.
(kisses her)
Sophie:
Oz we can't do that. What if someone sees.
Oscar:
No one else ever comes here Sophie, there's only the tree's
(The children start to move. Play/run about. Young Sophie vigilantly, Young Oscar more up-beat)
Little Girl:
I can't believe you've got us lost in here Oz
Little Boy:
Doesn't matter Soph we're exploring.
Little Girl:
Explores! But what if we can't find our way home?
Little Boy:
Don't worry I want let happen. You're my best friend
Little Girl:
Best friends forever and ever and ever and ever and ever
Little Boy:
And Ever
(Children stop. And take position for the next memory)
Oscar:
Was that ... was that who I think it was
Sophie:
Can't be. The tree's are playing tricks....... you've heard the stories Oscar
(They both move around, looking up at all the tree's with fear and awe)
Oscar:
Their not just stories Soph, It's true .... the forest hold's memories and Secrets
Sophie:
And nightmares
(Man and Woman start arguing. Shouting)
Woman:
I can't believe you've got us lost in here.... again.
Man:
Why do I always get the blame? What were you born without the ability to make decisions?
Woman:
That isn't fair. For 20 years you haven't given a shit about what I say or do. Even if I told you the right way you'd go the other to spite me.
Man:
Of course every problem we have must be my fault cause you're fucking perfect. Perfect Sophie Howard who never has a toe out of line
Woman:
Well Oscar I'd rather be viewed as perfect then a lazy bastard who's pissed away his life
Man:
I've heard enough of this. You're still my wife and you will respect me.... Even with no one but the canopy to see
Woman:
The worst decision I ever made was marrying you. A selfish bastard who has thought of nothing but himself everyday of his miserable life.
Man:
That's not fair.
(Woman turns and walks away. Man grabs her by the shoulders and turns her around)
Man:
Stop this Sophie
Woman:
Hear that trees. Please welcome the selfish villain who's done nothing but cause a trail of destruction.
(The stop and take position as the older couple)
Sophie:
Please tell me we don't end up like that
Oscar:
Come on Sophie we're going
(He grabs her hand and pulls, but she doesn't move) (The older again woman starts to talk)
Old Woman to herself:
I feel the terror. Fear causing through every cell in my body...... I can't breathe.... I can't think..... I see nothing but vile, cancerous shadows creeping in to my very existence. I'm surrounded by darkness and silence but I'm alone. Nothing but the trees to hear my plea. Nothing but leaves to stop me.
(Man walks out of the darkness to stand behind her)
Old Man:
I thought you'd be here. Hiding within the green
Old Woman:
What happened to the children who played here?
Old Man:
They disappeared a long time ago
Old Woman:
But why!
Old Man:
When it became so clear to me, that I've never caused enough light in your life to push back the shadows ......that I could never make you happy Sophie.
(She stands up. Turns to him. He stabs her and she falls to the ground)
Old Man:
Don't be scared
(Sophie and Oscar react. They attempt to stop the Old man but it's as if they can't touch him)
Sophie:
SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Oscar:
WE'RE ALWAYS LOST SOPHIE
Sophie:
SOMEONE HELP US. FOR GOD'S SAKE HELP US
Oscar:
THE TREES CAN'T HELP
(Old man stands staring at woman's body for a second before turning the knife on himself. Silence for a few seconds.)
Sophie:
I don't ..... I don't understand
Oscar:
Sophie.... Sweetie please know I would never do anything like that in a million years
Sophie:
I just saw you Oscar. We both just saw our future
Oscar:
No.. No we didn't
Sophie:
Everything has changed with what we just saw. That's our lot in life
Oscar:
What we saw was a future we can change. I CAN stop this from happening. It's our chance to live life the way we want it. A opportunity from the forest to change our future for the good
(Moves to hug Sophie)
Oscar:
This will all be fine.
(She pushes away from him. But he keeps hold of her hand)
Sophie:
NO IT WILL NEVER BE FINE! We must now live our lives cursed by a hellish nostalgia... Don't you understand Oscar... We're dead......"
Oscar:
No
Sophie:
...but most of all we're monsters. Evil monsters bound in a unforgiving wood. Doomed to be lost in the trees that never forget".
(He lets go of her hand. They leave the stage)
BRIDGE 5
ROYAL INSPECTOR:
I do not wander but walk on a path where I know how it leads. I do not think but wonder what happens to those who do not know their paths but lead across uncharted woodlands as pollen on the blowing stream. The interconnecting relations of crossing shortcuts & overlaping seanic routes undercut by the strange currents that culminates into some precipitous point that storms the scene. Even the smallest death of a bee can break countries in it's fall, the lightest flick of a butterfly can swirl hurricanes. Watch with me what consequental organic disaster will occur in the affecting rovings by these roaming people as I stand by the observing wooden crowd & take note.
Scene 9
Enter Rhiannon: Eighteen, pretty. A little naive, and DEVIL: Lucifer, the Devil, the lord of hell. Literally. Late twenties perhaps looks weary, supremely confident. Enjoys the way things feel, touch. Rhiannon (sitting in the woods alone very dark, almost so we can't see her DEVIL should already be on stage perhaps hidden upstage right if Rhiannon is Down stage Left.)
Rhiannon:
(realises someone is watching her) I didn't think you show up?
DEVIL:
(moves from the shadows) How could I refuse such an offer?
Rhiannon:
(does not look directly at him) I meant it, every word
DEVIL:
I know
Rhiannon:
So let's do it then.
DEVIL:
This isn't your average request; it's not like the movies. It's not all easy. Over in a flash!
RHIANNON:
So what do you want me to do?
DEVIL:
Relax, we have time. How do you want to do it
RHIANNON:
I don't know you've done this before
DEVIL:
Very true, more times than you can imagine
RHIANNON:
You know what I want
DEVIL:
I can imagine, some as all the rest
RHIANNON:
But, more.
DEVIL:
What's is it really going to bring you though it's not going change this
(points to head)
RHIANNON:
What would you know about it, you're...
DEVIL:
(almost curious not angry)
What? What am i?
RHIANNON:
You wouldn't understand what it's like?
DEVIL:
To be alone, to be blamed,
RHIANNON:
Yeah
DEVIL:
Honey, you're preaching to the choir
(DEVIL smiles a wicked smile. Rhiannon smiles a nervous smile)
DEVIL:
Stand up,
Rhiannon:
(nervously she moves to him)
I do want this.
DEVIL:
I know. But you don't know why. You want this.
RHIANNON:
I don't want to be me. I want to be better.
DEVIL:
Pride is a dangerous thing,
RHIANNON:
(smartly, in a cute way)
You'd know
DEVIL:
(Wicked smile. Laughs)
Good girl
(He moves closer he touches her arm affectionately)
DEVIL:
are you sure?
RHIANNON:
Yes
He moves his hands upon her skin, her bare shoulders, her neck, softly slowly like a lover, she enjoys his touch he moves closer his check brushes hers, he kisses her deeply, passionately, she returns his kiss. Rhiannon begins to cry. She keeps kissing him DEVIL stops he looks in her eyes, he wipes away a tear.
DEVIL:
I know what happened
RHIANNON:
Don't
DEVIL:
You it wasn't you fault, you could have stopped that, any more than the tides.
RHIANNON:
I could, if I was better, I could have stopped it, if it all wasn't so hard if I had a chance, from the start. It could have all been different. All of it.
DEVIL:
Do you really want this? it won't make it go away.
RHIANNON:
It will it has to.
DEVIL:
It won't
RHIANNON:
What?
DEVIL:
No. it won't change that day, it was an accident.
A Moment passes they look at it other, understanding passes between them
RHIANNON:
You have to I want it I can't..
DEVIL:
No, it's too much.
RHIANNON:
I decide. I want it.
DEVIL:
Decide something else.
Rhiannon:
It's my decision, I choose. Give it to me.
DEVIL:
I'm giving you what you need now
Rhiannon:
That's not how this works, you get what you want, I get what I want that's how this works.(angry, desperate)
DEVIL:
(almost quietly as if to himself the words are new on his tongue) No deal.
Rhiannon:
You have to do it.
DEVIL:
No. That's it. No. You'll get over this. You'll be okay. The one thing, I can say is true, time changes everything. Regrets are time wasted. Wishing it was different, that, you did one thing over another. You tried. That's important. Don't forget,
(lights begin to fade)
DEVIL:
Don't regret Just live.
Exit.
Interlude
Wolf:
Oh hey Red. Fancy seeing you here?
RED:
Alright Gary! Long time no see!
Wolf:
How's your gran?
RED:
Good thanks, she taken up pilates actually and does a bit of painting to pass the time. How's the wife?
Wolf:
So so, they're making cutbacks in her office so we're all on tenterhooks at the minute!
Girl:
Fucking economy. Any way I best be getting off, but I'll see you at Jean's for the BBQ right?
Wolf:
Yeah deffo. Look after yourself anyway. There's so right horrible stuff in these woods!
The exit in different directions.
BRIDGE 6
ROYAL INSPECTOR:
"Where are dead trees buried?" is a rooted question not often asked because things have to be alive to die. Their conversational silence presents them dead. In lengths of walks I have taken, through those dense corridors of wildlife, hearing all that goes on in the voiceless spaces of the listening landscape I find sometimes an understood item of something I recognize to be unreadably mine. Because a dialogue cannot be partaken with a tree it does not mean it has no other logs to make wooden sounds with.
Scene 10
The stage floor is completely doused in leaves. The stage darkly lit. A blue moonlight shine gives the only source of light within the scene. Centre stage stands a figure (THE TREE). The Tree's feet is completely covered in soil while it's face covered in earthy colours. It's arms stretched outwards, simulating branches. The sound of a crying wind echoes out.
The Tree:
I've withered absent for so long now. Waiting and waiting for the fungus and the insects to rot me rancid through the aching centuries. I wonder how many generations of wood lice have I outlived that ate away at me? But, not much time left to listen to the clockwork of my conscience. Feel so damn fragile, so damn vacant that a mild breeze could push me over. A death tango with the wind. Not far at all till that final snap, crackle and pop. But when it comes, I hope my fall will be loud. I hope it bursts ear drums. I hope it's so loud that anyone who hears it will think they heard the crash blast of an atom bomb in a hurricane. I hope they never forget the sound I make as I fall. I don't want my death to be a whisper. But what scares me most is...is anybody going to hear me fall...am I going to die alone?
The Tree's body language appears frightened and takes a moment to console itself.
The Tree:
I have seen much of them in these woods. But the humans tend to treat death differently to any other animal. I know this from eavesdropping on conversations on passing walkers through the ages. From slowly learning their language, to learning about concepts, traditions, destinations through their conversations. I soon learnt about funerals.
Pause.
The Tree:
I've often wondered if I had hands...
The Tree moves it's hands and arms, stretching them around. Gazing at it's hands in awe, closing and opening then repeatedly.
The Tree:
I've often wondered if I had legs instead of roots...
The Tree takes it's legs out from the soil, gazing at them in awe. The Tree tests the mobility of his legs. Walking backwards and forwards, getting more excited on each stroll.
The Tree:
I've often wondered if I were human...
The Tree walks to a puddle, and washes the dirt from its face, revealing a clean human face.
The Tree:
If I were human, I'd move to Mexico. I'd know if I had my funeral there, my corpse wouldn't be trying to talk from a silent film. Noise would be made. Cos the dead in Mexico make the loudest noise with their day for dead.
Enter ENSEMBLE OF THE DEAD. Lights produce a warm orange glow. The ensemble of the Dead are dressed in traditional Mexican day of the dead style clothing. Skeletal imagery is rife in all the characters. They surround the Tree.
The Tree:
(indicating Dead No.1) He'd start the funeral by throwing out flower petals.
Dead No.1 walks around the stage dousing the stage is brightly coloured flower petals.
The Tree:
(indicating Dead No.2) She would start dancing manically as if she were possessed by spirits.
Dead No. 2 dances an almost voodoo trance like dance.
The Tree:
(indicating Dead No.3) She would bullshit propaganda to the church audience about how I was a person that mattered and that everyone couldn't live without me.
Dead No. 3 walks around the stage, talking about how great the tree was in life.
The Tree:
And I'd be in centre of it all, lying soundly in my coffin. Knowing that everything would be alright before I'd die, cos...all this (indicating the Dead ensemble ceremony) would be there for me. My fall would have made a noise.
Lighting slowly reverts to blue moon shine. Abruptly the Ensemble of the Dead become still.
The Tree:
But I don't live in Mexico.
Exit Ensemble of the Dead.
The Tree:
And I'm not a human being.
The Tree covers its face in soil and dirt, giving the tree the earthy colours it have to it's face prior. NOTE: Face paint or face clay could be used? The Tree: And I don't have legs. The Tree walks back to the soil mound and covers its feet over with soil. The Tree becomes static in the ground. The Tree: And I don't have hands. The Tree places its arms up to on either side, simulating outward branches. The Tree: I'm just a Tree on a scavenger hunt for solace, alone in my tango with the hurricane...alone with no one to hear me fall. The lights slowly blacken out. The wind becomes louder and louder till the stage is pitch black.)
EPILOGUE
As the Royal Inspector talks the other characters slowly surrounds.
ROYAL INSPECTOR:
As the arena quitely sets & the players leave their sport the spectators stay watching the empty stage expecting no more activity, no more scenes or acts or plays. Let them sleep in their unowned homes, unaware of what interest they provoke by being what they most interestingly are. For what are the woods: kitchens, bedrooms, bathrooms, attics or basements? Eyes, ears, mouths or...or...or...um...yes? Is there something you would like to know?
friend:
this seems a little unheld together.
ROYAL INSPECTOR:
unheld...?
DEVIL:
too many dispirt spirits.
SOPHIE:
too much variety in voices.
LEWIS:
too many roundabout comings.
CLARISSA:
too much scatterbrained goings.
ROSE:
what sort of garden is this?
WORKER:
too wild to be pruned.
BEN:
not enough pruning.
HITLER:
not enough flowering.
PAIGE:
not enough watering.
BOSS:
where's the fair seeding?
RHIANNON:
some of us had only shade to shine in.
COLE:
where's the healthy feeding?
GEOFFREY:
some of us had our light stolen.
ZACK & Oscar:
where was the time for growing?
wildman & dryad:
grow in this unprepared soil?
shaman & Claude:
it's a mess of weeds!
ELLIE & mother & MICHALE:
a compost of waste!
FRiend & devil & sophie & lewis:
a littered lawn!
CLARISSA & Rose & Worker & Ben:
overgrown!
hitler & Paige & Boss & Rhiannon & Cole:
overgrown!
GEOFFREY & Zack & oscar & Wildman & dryad & shaman & Claude:
overgrown!
ROYAL INSPECTOR:
will you not allow me to cut it off before it's vines strangle me? Why protest to a mere observer whose hands haven't the slightest hint of green? I have no well worked scratches of my face because all I am is a walker & talker. I plan no seeds or plot no deeds I follow my feet on the leafy street & gaze in amaze at such surprise lifted to my eyes. The woods are wild yes but those are the woods. For the woods are not bathrooms, or eyes, or bedrooms, or mouths, they are not courts for laws or sports or ballrooms for dance or shows or an indicisive action from an unperturbed glance. All the woods are is this: they are things on things within things upon things around things. Now that all parts of every piece have been explained my I, for exchange, get on my goings, pick up my leavings & escape into the long dark maze of the night where, I trust, my exit is waiting & so, clouds & grass, plantlife & wildlife, ladies & gentlemen, is yours.
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